Posts tagged ‘eating’

Uhhh…I Wouldn’t Eat There If I Were You

The world over is full of amazing places to go, adventures to take and awesome meals to partake in. I for one am a firm believer that you the true way to get the flavor of any place is to try its food. I’m no sissy eater, is what I’m trying to say. I’m willing to try anything once and I go by the saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. However, when I heard about these umm, shall we say…weird restaurant names, I found myself faced with hesitation. A man, a real man, mind you, has got to know when to draw the line. And I draw the line at these weird sounding restaurant names and for the disturbing thoughts and ideas that go in my head upon hearing of them. Here are my top 5.

1. The Elegant Dump– This restaurant in Nantucket was supposedly open for years! Why? I don’t understand! When I hear the word dump, I think of number 2, the toilet, relieving myself, or whatever you want to call it! I don’t want to eat in a place that I associate with shitting, thanks very much!

2. A place in Memphis that sold hot dogs was called…Doggy Style Hotdogs. Umm, Maybe on a drunken night with my friends I would consider grabbing a bite, but not when I’m with my innocent little nieces and nephews, or my proper parents! I don’t know who’d die first of embarrassment!

3. Cheezus Crust– This place supposedly serves Pizza..with what I might ask? Some scripture and a Virgin Mary Martini on the side? I’ll take my religion in the church please, and not in a pizza parlor.

4. Chewy Balls– God only knows what they sold in this restaurant in Houston! This is not funny people! It makes horrible, painful nightmares about someone cutting off my personal lower region and enjoying them for break fast all too real! Nooooo!!!! The name just makes my lower areas hurt!

5. This is the last and my absolute favorite! Has anybody ever gone to Dirty Dick’s? You’ll never believe what they serve too…Crabs!!! Can you imagine the conversation? I got crabs at Dirty Dicks! They were soo good…Really hit the spot! Sounds appealing right?…Wrong..The only thing this sounds to me is itchy, gross and oh, did I mention wrong?.. just plain wrong!

So, the next time you want to go somewhere, don’t randomly consult some know-it-all bozo for the best place to eat. Do your research, go online and maybe get some genuinely good travel tips . And when you end up in a really nice, really classy 5 star restaurant, don’t forget to think of me, and say a silent prayer that you didn’t end up having dinner in possibly nasty and absolutely questionable Chewy Balls instead!

Cheers!

March 24, 2008 at 3:45 am Leave a comment

8 Suave Tips for the Big Date

Okay, so you blew it.

Valentine’s, that lunch, that little coffee break. It doesn’t matter — there may be at least one point in your life that you’ve totally freaked out a date by your … manners. Or, say, you won an epicurean delight adventure thing, and don’t want to make a fool of yourself.  I mean, if that’s how you eat ‘round your buddies, it shouldn’t matter to her, right? Wrong. Having good manners while dining doesn’t necessarily equate to showing off. Manners are supposed to stem from home, meaning, when you pig out in public, did you learn that at home? Here are a couple of tips for when you’re on a date.

  1. Basic proper hygiene. A meal only happens once in your life. You have to make each one special. Clip your fingernails, comb your hair, dress in clean clothes and wash your hands before eating. (And, after using the facilities)
  2. Never spring for a restaurant’s most expensive meal on the get-go. Chances are, these don’t get ordered too often, and would just hassle the chefs. Ask what their specialty is, and get that. If you’ve been to THAT particular restaurant before, you’ll be in-the-know of what the best meal is to get.
  3. Address your waiter/waitress by name. They should have nametags on ‘em, or, you could ask. It adds a personal touch to your meal when you know who to thank for serving you. Plus, if you return to that restaurant, they will remember you.
  4. Utensil use. Don’t be confused if you don’t spot a spoon by your dish. Simplicity: if there’s a fork, then that will be your food-shovel. If there’s a knife, then that’s what will saw down the meat, while the shovel’s holding it down of course.
  5. Napkin use. There are cloth and paper napkins. You may keep the cloth one on your lap, to avoid spills, then wiping your mouth in-between bites, or you could wear it like a bib. The paper ones are useful — you can wrap them around your glass, and you may use them to wipe your mouth as well. NEVER crumple your napkins. If you need to wipe and there’s stuff on your napkin, fold it in half, then use that side to wipe. Place them neatly at the side of your plate after use. Not only will your post-meal-plate look good, the service staff will thank you as well.
  6. Don’t take calls or messages while eating. I personally find it very rude when someone I’m in conversation with pulls out a phone and starts texting away, even while I’m still eating. You shouldn’t do the same as well. If your date starts doing it, say you aren’t comfortable with it and you find it rude. If your date, however, really needs to take a call (a parent asking where her daughter is, stuff like that) ask her to make the call away from the table.
  7. As an add-on to the last rule, constant watch-checking is really annoying. Your date notices it, I notice it — does the other person REALLY have some other place she’d rather be? A date’s a date, meaning, you set aside other things lined up in your schedule to make it. There’s no sense in not following your own schedule.
  8. Tip well. Even if the food was lousy, leave a tip. (Just don’t return to that particular restaurant) Hey, you’re already addressing the person serving you by name, the least you could do is return the courtesy and hospitality he’s showing you. Plus, this will definitely make you remembered by the staff. 12-15% tips are good. When a waiter does something terribly nice for you, (and wasn’t expecting a tip) build him up in front of his manager, then do that slick, “faux-handshake-money-pass” move.

February 22, 2008 at 10:57 am 3 comments


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