Archive for March, 2008

The Problem With Girls…

Ok, Please do not pelt rocks at me. Let me start off by saying that I love women. Whether they be big (hey, i dedicated a whole post to this here ) or tiny, blond, brunette, white, black, caramel of yellow- I love them all! I don’t discriminate, ok? But there are some things that I cannot live with! These things drive me nuts and turn me way off! I have an extreme problem with girls who:

1. Have hair on places besides their head- Ok, that’s a little too exaggerated, some hair in the lower region is acceptable, but c’mon!Let’s keep our bushes tidy! What drives me crazy though are hairy legs and God forbid this… Hairy armpits! That’s just freaking wrong man! I don’t wanna feel like I’m dating a hairy guy. Let me have the hair in the weird places, ok, and you stay the nice and smooth one!
julia_roberts_hairy_armpit.jpg

2. I hate it when some girls don’t have an opinion– “Honey, what’ do you think of a vacation somewhere in Vietnam?” “Sure, honey”, “What about a vacation at that beer place down the road?” “Sure honey, anything you say!”. Please woman, have an opinion! I will admit that I am stupid and I cannot read your mind.

3. Don’t act dumb!– One of the reasons I decided to date you was because I found your intelligence attractive! Please don’t suddenly act helpless, or you suddenly don’t know how to do things you used to be good at. It won’t make me feel macho, it will just make me think you or I have multiple personality disorder!

4. Another pet peeve is when girls have personal hygiene issues- Girls, you’re girls! I know this is stereotypical but you’re the ones who are supposed to smell clean and fresh and nice all the time! The whole universe would lose all its sense of order if you didn’t! Please do not skip the necessary shower and perfume spritz in the interest of say, saving time! I’m telling you now: It’s not worth it!!! Other guys might kill me for saying this, but I don’t mind the extra wait as long as when my girl comes out, she looks, smells and feels like a girl!

5. Lastly- Girls, why do you say nothing when I ask you what’s wrong and clearly something is? Why say no when you mean yes? And why say”I guess its ok” when you mean no? I’m a guy, I’m dumb and I will take what you say. I won’t be able to pick up if that no is really a yes until a girl decoder is invented! (What’s taking you so long, Steve Jobs? Bill Gates?)

Let me just end this by saying that again, I love girls! And these pet peeves aren’t ridiculous right? They still fall under the sphere of normal?! Guys, do I have a point? And girls, what are your guy pet peeves?

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March 31, 2008 at 11:13 pm 6 comments

Supermutant Powers! What Would You Choose?

Ok, let’s throw the gloves out if the window. Let’s not pretend to be mature and intellectual. Let’s all just let go of work, of school, of girl problems and of all things stressful in our life. Let’s go back basics, being 10 and carefree! What I’m trying to segway here is that let’s all just sit back and talk about mutants, and superpowers, and super mutant powers! If you could be a super mutant and given a super power, what would it be? As for me, I’ve narrowed it down to 5! I called it ok, so you better not get mine and come up with your own! 😛

Here’s mine

1. Teleporting– The movie Jumper inspired me on this one! I walked out of the theater insanely jealous! Imagine if you could wake up, go for a morning surf in South Africa, stop for lunch in Greece, and spend the night in a luxurious hotel in the Caribbean . That would be the life!

2.Invisibility– Like Sue Storm of the Fantastic 4, the power of invisibility would be something that I could use. I could walk in and out of places unnoticed. I could skip work a little, grab some coffee, maybe a stroll in the park, and no one would be the wiser. Invisibility would aslo come in handy in a fight. No one would be able to see me and I could beat them up.

3. The ability to control time– This power would be convenient for correcting those stupid mistakes, or for when you need that extra minute or hour to get something done. If you could control time, you could make it go back, speed up, slow down and go forward to your convenience!

4. This power I wanna call Brilliant Brain– If I had supreme intelligence, I’d be able to figure my way out of any dilemma I managed to land in the first place! I’d think up ways to cure Aids, Cancer and even the common cold! I will come up with solutions to war and poverty! Everybody will love me, especially the ladies! 😀

5. Lastly, I would want to be able to read another person’s mind! Then I’d find out what you actually think of me and my shirt! I would know what my friends and my picky mom really want for Christmas and Birthdays. That would sure save me on shopping time and effort! Again, everybody would love me (And isn’t that always the end goal that superheroes aim for?!)

I don’t know what’s better than getting any of these superpowers, maybe if I managed to get them all! That’d be sweet! What are your top picks for superpowers? I’d like to see you top mine! We could have a super battle!!! The possibilities are endless…

March 28, 2008 at 3:44 am 3 comments

Uhhh…I Wouldn’t Eat There If I Were You

The world over is full of amazing places to go, adventures to take and awesome meals to partake in. I for one am a firm believer that you the true way to get the flavor of any place is to try its food. I’m no sissy eater, is what I’m trying to say. I’m willing to try anything once and I go by the saying that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. However, when I heard about these umm, shall we say…weird restaurant names, I found myself faced with hesitation. A man, a real man, mind you, has got to know when to draw the line. And I draw the line at these weird sounding restaurant names and for the disturbing thoughts and ideas that go in my head upon hearing of them. Here are my top 5.

1. The Elegant Dump– This restaurant in Nantucket was supposedly open for years! Why? I don’t understand! When I hear the word dump, I think of number 2, the toilet, relieving myself, or whatever you want to call it! I don’t want to eat in a place that I associate with shitting, thanks very much!

2. A place in Memphis that sold hot dogs was called…Doggy Style Hotdogs. Umm, Maybe on a drunken night with my friends I would consider grabbing a bite, but not when I’m with my innocent little nieces and nephews, or my proper parents! I don’t know who’d die first of embarrassment!

3. Cheezus Crust– This place supposedly serves Pizza..with what I might ask? Some scripture and a Virgin Mary Martini on the side? I’ll take my religion in the church please, and not in a pizza parlor.

4. Chewy Balls– God only knows what they sold in this restaurant in Houston! This is not funny people! It makes horrible, painful nightmares about someone cutting off my personal lower region and enjoying them for break fast all too real! Nooooo!!!! The name just makes my lower areas hurt!

5. This is the last and my absolute favorite! Has anybody ever gone to Dirty Dick’s? You’ll never believe what they serve too…Crabs!!! Can you imagine the conversation? I got crabs at Dirty Dicks! They were soo good…Really hit the spot! Sounds appealing right?…Wrong..The only thing this sounds to me is itchy, gross and oh, did I mention wrong?.. just plain wrong!

So, the next time you want to go somewhere, don’t randomly consult some know-it-all bozo for the best place to eat. Do your research, go online and maybe get some genuinely good travel tips . And when you end up in a really nice, really classy 5 star restaurant, don’t forget to think of me, and say a silent prayer that you didn’t end up having dinner in possibly nasty and absolutely questionable Chewy Balls instead!

Cheers!

March 24, 2008 at 3:45 am Leave a comment

Funny Sex Quotes!( Woody Allen, YOU are GOD!)

It seems that my last post got a little reaction. A few of them maybe southbound, and I sincerely apologize if I offended anybody. Most of the reactions thankfully were more positive. I’m glad there are seemingly a lot of people out there who share my sense of humor.

I stumbled on these quotes on dating and sex, well ok, mostly sex, that had me laughing my butt off . Billie Crysta, Woody Allen and all the rest of you- You are my new idols! These are gold! LOL.

Hopefully, may all of you enjoy this little compilation too, AND feel free to add and share your personal favorites!!!

“Sex is like snow, you never know how many inches you’re going to get, or how long it will last!”

– anonymous

“Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place”- Billie Crystal

“Don’t knock the masturbation. It’s sex with someone I love!”- Woody Allen

“Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you’re not getting any”- Unknown

“A terrible thing happened to me last night again. Nothing”- Phylis Diller

“It’s not true that I had nothing on. I had the radio on!”- Marilyn Monroe

“Don’t have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them!”- Steve Martin

And since it is technically Holy Monday, it’s nice to get a quote from someone who’s close to the big guy above!

“Oh Lord, Give me Chastity.But do not give it yet!” – St. Augustine

Here’s some funny Russel Peters Sex Stand-up for you:

Happy Monday everyone! Peace!:)

March 17, 2008 at 4:16 am 3 comments

5 Reasons Why You Should Date a Fat..Err..Voluptuous Girl NOW!

Bored and somewhat in denial of the long lists of tasks that I had to accomplish yesterday, I slipped into my age-old habit of seeing what was out there on cyberspace. Interestingly enough, I came across this blog post – a discussion of sorts as to why geeks make good lovers.It seems that girls are always hesitant on the geeks, no? This launched my own thoughts on what kind of girls we guys are always hesitant on. And then it hit me- Fat chicks..Uhhh..I think the more politically correct term would be Vertically challenged OR healthy. Anyway, as an answer of sorts, I’ve compiled my own reasons on why Healthy Chicks make better lovers! In no particular order, they are:

1. Big girls are nicer to hug and cuddle with. A girl of skin and bones proportion would be nothing but hard edges and planes. Ouch! That’s sure to give you a bruising, especially with all the activities you’ll be doing in bed! Compare that to a voluptuous girl, and its like comparing a rock to a pillow! No contest!

2. You can engage in weight-shedding activities TOGETHER. The work is all finished for a thin girl, she has no more “body” goals to aspire for. With a heavy honey, its different, especially if you’re on a personal quest for a better bod too! You can enroll in a gym together, or take up a new sport, maybe go for a walk, a run, a hike. It doesn’t matter! This personal experience will assure that you get to spend lots of time together and grow closer in the process!

3. A fat girl will always want to go on exotic vacations! You don’t get this one? Well, a big girl might be conscious to strut her stuff around people that might whisper and gossip about her. Because of this, she’ll always want to go on secluded little places like this and this where people don’t know her, or care ! There, she can show you the fruits of her laborious gym workouts in the shape of a sexy bikini!

4. You won’t have to go into weird restaurants to eat! Do you notice than skinny gals are always up to try that new vegan bar or that south beach café by the corner?! It can drive you nuts! Eliminate this problem when you date healthy! From eat-all-you-can buffets to KFC, the world is yours on a platter! Literally! Bring on them chicken wings!!

5. You won’t have sleepless nights of insecurity and jealousy! Picture this, you’re in a club with your thin girlfriend. What happens next? Some douchebag ultimately tries to hit on her! Not good! Especially if the douchebag has that Brad Pitt appeal that so many girls seem to find irresistible! Non-converts unlike you will always go for the skinny girl to hit on! If you date a voluptuous beauty, chances are, no one will go up to her, and you can count on an uninterrupted night of dancing!Have I converted you yet? I’ll put it simply- FAT GIRLS ROCK! And they’re only good until supply lasts, so you better snag yours today :p

March 13, 2008 at 3:04 am 22 comments

Bird Sh!t on Your Face and You Have to Pay for It!-Weird & Wacky Spa Treatments

You’re all set to go on your long planned, much awaited spa vacation. Maybe you’re heading off to exotic Tugu or maybe adventure-filled Sydney! You’ve read your newsletters for deals and discounts, and consulted your forums for advice. You’re totally ready!You can smell your wonderful aromatherapy candles, feel the soothing massage on you’re back. Nothing strange, nothing freaky, just 100% stress-free relaxation…

Wait, wait wait!!! Hold that thought just a minute, and get yourself acquainted with these out of this world, scary, bizarre and just plain weird spa treatments! Don’t sign yourself up for these if what you’re after is your run of the mill spa-tastic experience. Relaxing?! Hell no! Intense is more like it!

1. Bird Sh!t all over you face AND you have to pay for itspa treatment too!!!– That’s right! This special facial made out of Nightingale poop is supposedly an old world secret from Japan. Supposedly used by Geishas to achieve that pearly-white, smooth complexion, nightingale excrements are said to be full of yummy enzymes really good for your skin! No sh!t?! Pun definitely intended.

2. A Barbeque Wrap- You, not your lunch dummy! –You start off this tantalizing journey with a thorough peppercorn rub. Then, you move on to a total body coating of paprika, cayenne pepper and tomato sauce. This is one delicious experience you don’t get to have everyday!

3. Cactus Massage- Forget the soothing hands that run across your back. The latest backrub these days involves spine-free cactus paddles and “pulque” alcohol, an extract from the agave plant, and a member of the tequila family. This will make one literal spine-tingling episode.
cactus massage

4. Ear-candling- Too lazy to clean your own ears? Let a candle flame do it for you! Ear-candling is an alternative medicine practice and spa treatment that claims to help in the natural cleaning of earwax and remove toxins. It is performed by lighting the end of a hollow candle, while the other end of the candle touches the ear’s opening. Ear-citing!

ear candling
5. Beer-pedicure- Who says beer is only good for drinking? Several spas have found out that beer enzymes actually moisturizes your skin effectively, making it a good solution for a pedicure soak. Of course, it’s totally up to you if you want to pair this up with a hotdog, a steak or some pretzels.

beer pedicure
6. Fanny Facial- If you only pay attention to your face, your derriere might get depressed. Cheer it up with the fanny facial, a combination body scrub, microcurrents for pimples down there, and sunless tanning all targeted for your bum. In a much different context, but the same message anyway- Bottoms up!

fanny facial
7. Snake Massage– I’ve saved the craziest for last! Here’s a scaly way to soothe out those kinks- 6 non-venomous but still hissy and slimy snakes slither across your back to caress your aching muscles and joints. People who have tried it out claim the massage is actually very effective and soothing. To each his own right? Just a word of advice, make sure those snakes don’t get any ideas of crawling into dark “cave-y” holes nearby!

snake massage

Happy Weekend!

March 7, 2008 at 4:32 am 2 comments

Surf’s up: 5 random surf spots

I had nothing to do all afternoon, I was bored and during really slow times the mind tends to think about more interesting things. What was on my mind the whole time, was what to do this summer. Then it occurred to me… Learn how to SURF! thats right! Surfing! being stuck to a board and riding waves!

Hmm but where am I going to learn? I don’t want to go to any old boring place. I want to go somewhere different and some place interesting. So using my Google magic, I tried to find some interesting surfing spots around the globe. This search brought me to a great site called, wannasurf.com. This site had some great surfing locations and had details about the terrain, amazing pictures and what times of the year have the best conditions.

So after perusing this site for a while, here is my list of five random surfing spots:

1. Avalanche, South Africa: This spot is extra intense as it is a well-known fact that o many sharks roam S. Africa’s open waters!2. Canngu, Indonesia: There’s more to Bali than a laid-back vacation, there are awesome surf spots for the adventurous too!3. Stimpy’s, Philippines: Tucked away in the Southern Philippines is this spot. It’s slowly becoming more and more popular as surf afficionados find easier ways to get there.4. Veules les Roses, France: Who knew that the formal French have a love for surfing too?!5. Campeche Rights, Brazil: Not only do they Brazilians know how to dance, they apparently know how to surf too!

And there you have it. My top picks for awesome surf spots. I better get in touch with a travel agent because I definitely want to hit these places up soon!

March 3, 2008 at 11:00 am 1 comment


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